The Legend of the 7 Golden Vampires AKA That Kung Fu Vampire Movie
Hammer-Shaw Production 1974 Rated R
Directors: Roy Ward Baker, Cheh Chang (uncredited)
Writer: Don Houghton (screenplay by)
Stars: Peter Cushing, David Chiang, Julie Ege
God damn, I love a good Kung Fu movie. When I came across this one, how could I refuse to watch? Kung Fu Vampires, boobies and Grand Moff Tarkin in an epic battle to take back a small village? A Hammer production on top of that?!? This I gotta see!!
The description from IMDB reads:
“While lecturing in China, Van Helsing agrees to help seven Kung Fu trained siblings reclaim their ancestral mountain village, now the domain of seven powerful vampires and their army of undead slaves.”
I put it on my Netflix queue and when it arrived, I popped that bad boy in and made some bacon. The first thing I saw was a dude venturing to Castle Dracula who I thought kind of favored a Chinese version of Mick Mars. This is Kah (played by Chan Shen) and he is seeking Dracula out to ask for a favor.
Right off the bat though (heh bat) I noticed the acting and the special effects were alright, not great but, that is what I have come to expect from Hammer films. When Dracula (played by John Forbes-Robertson) made his appearance, my eyes were immediately drawn to the bright lipstick. I know Hammer liked to use vivid colors but in this case I was waiting for Dracula to say something about being gender fluid or something.
The evil priest Kah tells Dracula about how they lost power and stuff and that he needs his help to regain it. He also goes on to tell the story why he is there. Apparently one was killed (shouldn’t it be the 6 Golden Vampires then?) by a lowly farmer and that said farmer stole one of seven medallions that is the source of their power. To make matters worse, it was put on a Buddha statue where the vampires could not reach.Dracula sees and opportunity to get out of Transylvania, takes over Kah’s body and goes to China to rule.
Cut to Van Helsing (played by Peter Cushing) lecturing at Chunking University about vampires where he is promptly walked out on by the student body.
It’s cool though because later on Hsi Ching (Played by David Chiang) comes to Van Helsing and lets him know that it’s true and there is a village where the vampires are at. So Van Helsing and his squad team up with Hsi and his siblings to head to the village to dispense some Kung Fu justice on the blood suckers.
There is a little character development on the way (relationships develop between Mai played by Shih Szu and Leyland played by Robin Stewart) but at this point the movie kind of felt like it was dragging a bit. Fortunately, there were a couple of Kung Fu fights to break it up while they were on the way. I was certainly hoping for more but at least they had the glorious cheesy Kung Fu fight sounds.
Eventually they make it to a cave where they fight and destroy a couple more of the vampires. It should be noted here that I like the fact that the vampires were not all Tom Cruise or Brad Pitt and were actually portrayed as grotesque creatures. My only question is why did they have to look like Lop Chong without the casing?
Eventually they make it to the village (I think it was called Ping Kwei) and prepare for the epic battle. They get all Conan by sharpening stakes , digging traps and then having a prayer sequence.
The big battle ensues, at first they seemed to be doing OK but then the vampires summoned a shit ton of zombies to fill the ranks
The tides turn, most of the heroes die and the vampires capture Mai and the chase leads back to the vampires’ lair. The movie kind of picks up here. Mai is strapped to the table and the vampires prepare her for dinner. As everyone left charges in, Van Helsing kills the last vampire and releases Mai.
What’s left of the surviving team bails except for Van Helsing leaving him to confront the evil priest Kah who reveals himself to be none other than Dracula himself. For some reason, rather than just jumping on Van Helsing and killing the fuck out of him, Dracula opts for the open hand man pimp slap.
In what has to be one of the most prolonged vampire death scenes I have ever seen, Van Helsing stabs Dracula with a spear and I swear it takes like 20 minutes for him to turn to dust.
Dracula dies and we get a final shot of the evil pagoda before the end credits.
[yasr_overall_rating size=”medium”]
Overall this movie was fun. I did have to deduct a few points for the more drawn out scenes and the less than impressive acting from some of the cast. The makeup was alright for the era and budget this movie comes from and I enjoyed watching the Kung Fu scenes. I would love to see this get the Kung Pow treatment as this movie is fairly unique in the fusion of legends and would probably benefit a good deal from that. I would definitely say this movie is not for everyone but I would give it 3 bat bling medallions out of 5.
